NASA - Do your job!!

Ok, this is something particularly disturbing to me. In fact, it flew so much UNDER the radar that most people didn't even hear about it.

It was recently observed that a HUGE asteroid the size of Earth has collided with Jupiter:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,534160,00.html

However, what disturbs me is that it was discovered by an amateur astronomer from his BACKYARD TELESCOPE!

Hello?!!?! NASA, what the hell are you guys doing over there?

NASA "confirmed the discovery using its large infrared telescope at the summit of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, said computer programer Anthony Wesley, 44, who discovered the impact zone while stargazing at home."

So let me just see if I got this straight. NASA, with their LARGE infrared telescope, failed to detect an earth-sized asteroid collide with Jupiter (mind you, which is only TWO planets away from us)....and yet, a computer programer is able to discover this while...ahem...stargazing in his backyard?!

I find this terribly disturbing, no matter how you look at it. Either NASA knew about this huge object in our Solar System and decided to keep quiet, or even more disturbing is that they had no idea about it?

All I got to say is thank God for Jupiter! Seriously......

Actually, this impact actually occured FIFTEEN YEARS ago and we are just now getting a glimpse of it. So I am relatively comforted knowing that this mass extinction of our planet would have happened when I was drunk at 18, instead of sober at 33!

Rant: So You Think You Can Dance

Ok, here's one I've been holding in like a bad fish taco. To start, let me say that I happen to like this show. Nothing boosts my self esteem like watching young, attractive people doing things that I could never do without seriously throwing out my back or crushing a testicle.

One of the things I can't stand......CAN'T STAND.....is when the host, Cat Deeley, treats the audience like we're a bunch of elementary school kids in a special ed class. Every single episode, she HAS to come out and say, "Ladies and gentleman, here are your........(awkward pause)......"

And then the audience yells, "JUDGES!"

This freaking gimmick has been going on for at least two seasons, every episode, and shows no sign of stopping. Every time she does it, I feel like we're a bunch of animals in a circus, with a reward treat being held in front of our noses that we will get if we obey the trainers commands.

I feel like after I say the magic word, "JUDGES", a magical hand is going to pat me on the hand and go, "Gooood boy, he's a good boy!"

Cat - no offense, but for God's sake, drop that bit from your act. It was funny the first couple of times you did it. Now it just appears like you are a little full of yourself and getting off on the idea that your audience can finish your sentences. You don't see Jeff Probst saying, "The tribe has.............." and the rest of the contestants at tribal council yell, "SPOKEN!"

And while we're on the subject, Mary Murphy.......oh Mary Mary Mary. I try to see the good in all people. I really do. And I know deep down, underneath the makeup and Botox, there is a good heart in there.....but please, pretty please.....get off your high horse too.

The screaming has got to stop. You THINK it makes good TV, and it was actually funny the first few times you did it. But it's gone way past the point of annoying and now, I actually hit my cat every time you do it......not because I dislike animals, but hearing my cat scream in pain actually sounds more soothing than your cackling wail that you insist on doing after every dance routine.

It reminds me of something my father used to tell me growing up, "Jeff, get the f#ck off the table you little a$$h0l#." And after that, he would say, "Son, don't so the same things over and over again because it loses it's appeal."

That is true in both these situations: Cat Deeley baiting the audience to finish her stupid sentence, and Mary Murphy who thinks it's still fresh and funny to scream on the "hot tamale" train as if it's an actual ride I'd pay to go on. Your shows a hit, ladies....don't bring it down by trying to market yourselves with these stupid, old gimmicks that no longer work. Your viewing audience is more intelligent than that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do a Quickstep all the way to the bathroom.

Prepare To Be Assimilated

This is it....the first post of what's sure to be one of two things:

1. The most talked about, widely followed blog of the 21st century, or
2. The rantings of a madman who has lost his grip with reality

Allow me to give just a little bit of background to explain why I feel one of those two outcomes are likely to happen.

Back in the day (which happened to be a Wednesday), I started a website...let's just call this website "MyJokeMail" for arguments sake. Back then, I decided to send out some daily jokes to people, but also write a little about myself, my life, my experiences, etc. You know, just standard crap that only egotistical, shallow individuals would think is important to other people.

Surprisingly, that little website grew into a following of more than half a million people. Whether I was writing about my day, describing a rather life changing bowel movement, or ranting about the Middle East crisis, I was reaching a huge audience.

But alas, after marriage, a couple of kids, and starting a new company, I no longer had the time to rant and rave on this website.....so just like Britney Spears panties, I disappeared from the public eye.

And now, after 5+ years, I can't take it anymore. I have so much on my mind that I need an outlet to vent and connect. Whether a million people read this blog or just myself, I feel good knowing that I am writing these words and putting it out there.

Buckle up people.......it's going to be a fun one!